December 26th 2017, my last post before I went on this “hiatus” of sorts. I’m going to keep it real with all of you, I simply lost passion for the blog. Felt as if no one read it, so the mentality was just call it quits. As of me writing this on a Tuesday night (7/17), I have been inspired to write something up for you guys that are interested in these (ty btw). Also, I assume you have seen a few changes to the site (🌾👀🌾). Header was made by me and Music of the Week has become a monthly segment instead. Also my ways of contact have changed so if you ever need/want to talk, look through the “Contacts” tab on the site!
Like all my blog posts, this one is going to be very very VERY long. This will be a guide of some sorts to help you navigate where the topic you’re most interested in reading is located :] :
- Info on my Life (the good) – Paragraph 1
- Info on my Life (the bad) – Paragraph 2
- Goals for 2018-2019 School Year – Paragraph 3
- Apology to the People I Know – Paragraph 4
- What the Future Holds/Conclusion – Paragraph 5
My Life Seems Pretty Great (Jan-Mar):
Ever since the last post, my life has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. January I don’t vividly remember other than strengthening my friendships with some best friends of mine. Grades were normal if I can recall correctly and life was pretty average. February was such a great month for me, physically and mainly mentally. On February 9th, I started with a bang by entering the Leadership x Smash Union Game Night tournament at my school. Smash Union was a club dedicated to degenerates (like myself) simply playing Smash for fun. It wasn’t until this day, the “For Fun” aspect turned into “For Glory” as pride was practically on the line. The tournament had a Melee tournament (had like 3 entrants LMAOOO) and Smash Wii U tournament (I believe it was around 20 people?). What shocked me the most was that people I knew that I didn’t expect to play Smash entered the tournament. With unknown and known talent in the bracket, I wanted to win. Round 1 was pretty easy, winning a Marth ditto (2-0) against a person who I never thought played Smash (His name was Kevin). Round 2 I had to face against my friend Brandon; the set was my Sheik/Lucina vs his Toon Link. I barely lose 2-1 but he does something very unexpected from not only me, but the Tournament Organizers and the crowd. He forfeits the set and gives up the win for me to move on in the tournament. I was pissed that he would do this and he said he wanted me to win instead of him. To this day it left a bittersweet taste in my mouth; I knew I still could’ve won the tournament since it was double elimination, but the fact that he and my other pals wanted to see me win was heartwarming. After the “given win”, I face a freshman named Silver in Winner Semis. Oh my god, he was the hardest opponent of the entire tournament. It was my Marth vs his Game and Watch set. It was back and forward; I won game 1 and he retaliated back winning game 2. Game 3 was down to the fucking wire, and I clutched it out (2-1). I jumped from my seat and yelled “Hell yeah!!”. We both shake hands and acknowledge how amazing and close the set was. Winners Finals was against a freshman(?) I never got the name of. The set was my Fox vs his Lucina; and, to be completely honest, it was the 2nd easiest set I played LOL. I win with a convincing 3-0, and wait in Grand Finals Winner Side. With some time to relax, I was able to watch the rest of the tournament and got to see an old friend of mine also named Brandon (yes there was 2 Brandons in the same friend group) make an impressive losers run. He lost quite early in the tournament, and defeated everyone in losers bracket. When he made it to Grand Finals I was quite scared. I knew he was hella good and he would always beat me when we played alot on Smash 3DS. The atmosphere was crazy. Giant projector that displayed the game, huge crowd of degenerate Smashers, and loud ass speakers. Grand Finals began. Game 1 was Marth vs Pac-Man and I barely win. For games 2 and 3, he switched to Villager. Game 2 he won quite convincingly. Game 3 was in my favor, but Brandon makes a comeback and clutches it. Now here is the obscure part of the tournament. He had to leave midset cause his parents needed him home. Everyone was shocked, contemplating on what should happen next. The organizers decided that we continue the set the week after. TL;DR, I time him out 2 times with Sheik against his Villager (OMEGALULULULUL). He was cool about it, and we went to Subway right after. Between the timespan of Feb 9th and Feb 16th, I was left with a decision. I wanted to ask a certain someone out (will not say the name; if you’re reading this LOL HOPE THIS AIN’T TOO AWKWARD) for Valentine’s Day. Conflicted, I ask a tablemate of mine from my Physics class named JC (idk if she wants her full name to be here so we’ll just use her nickname) for some advice . JC was basically my coach before Valentine’s Day, and hyped me up and helped me look at the positives no matter what the outcome was. The 14th hit and I was shaking in my boots. I ask this certain someone out and the TL;DR is the relationship was seen more towards a friendship and we agreed on good terms to keep it that way :]. Wasn’t a win, but glad it wasn’t a heavy loss. From there, life couldn’t be any better. I started a new friendship with JC, my friend group was at its peak, grades were slowly rising up, things actually looked good in my life. March was a little bit bumpy, with some days I felt “sad”, but overall March was just as good as February. For once, I felt like my life was getting back on track for the better. I was happy, I felt love for my friends and family, most importantly, I loved myself and my life. Keep in mind, I haven’t had that feeling almost 2 years prior, so it was such an amazing feeling to finally be free and happy. I learned alot over that time period of happiness. Learned how to draw again, learned more about my friends, and learned how to be loving and kind to the world around me. 2018 was at its peak for me, I thought it would finally be a year without any major disappointments. Oh fucking boy, I was wrong.
Just Kidding my Life is Shit (Apr-Current):
School was nearing its close for the year. Life was great and the only thing I had to worry about was final projects and of-course finals for all my classes. Mid April was when my life crashed and burned. I fell under depression again (idk if its seasonal depression or just major depression disorder, but it occurs around this time of year). Depression turned the rest of the year into fucking hell. I constantly felt depressed, and the smallest things would make me upset. I felt like I was a nobody, just some wasted space on this planet. With coping with these feelings and a shitty mindset, my grades were falling apart and some friendships started to fall apart in my eyes. Consistent anxiety showed up, I was afraid of losing all the good things I had since February. I isolated myself from everyone. I barely talked in any of my classes, I easily got agitated by people and would straight up be rude to everyone that talked to me. I was so negative, I was so angry that my year decided to all go downhill after my life was at its peak. Suffering and extreme sadness was dreadful. Going into May, my life was shit, simple as that. I felt as if I had nothing going for me anymore. Lost communication with friends, grades barely passing by, in my eyes my life was at a very low point. People knew I was on the edge, and you know what I did? I ignored their comfort. Why? I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I saw myself as such a wasted piece of fucking trash that didn’t deserve anything at all. I saw myself as nothing. I ended my year and barely passed by finals. Maybe summer would be the time I needed to recollect myself. Nah. Life has been at an all time low for me. June-July have been mentally draining and possible the worst period of my life so far. The perception of feeling like you’re just wasted space in the world and have no talents and will never go anywhere in life. The smart solution is to tell someone right? Well, I’m fucking stupid so I kept all this negativity to myself. To this day, I feel like no one would understand what exactly I’m going through, even my best friends wouldn’t understand. Past few days I’ve actually thought about… disappointed in myself in thinking this but… death. I thought about the idea of death. My life was so shitty I yearned for death. I was too scared to actually commit suicide (fucking glad), but the idea of death sounded amazing to me. I thought I can finally escape from the hell I’ve been going through. It sounded like a perfect solution. All the bullshit that had happened since April was still in my head. I never let it go. I’ve always been stubborn when it comes to my negativity. Thats probably why I haven’t been improving for the better. I don’t understand the concept of letting go and accepting failure. I’ve been quite angry the past few days, thinking if I wasn’t depressed during April my life would be peaking. Depression ruined everything I ever wanted out of life. The comfort and love I took for granted was nonexistent. I felt alone. My heart has been aching, blaming myself for all the bad things that were out of my control. When I was in the shower this evening, something positive sparked. Once I had common sense, I never really knew what I wanted to do in life in terms of careers and professions. As a kid, I wanted to be a Power Ranger cause they were badass to me and had cool weapons and such. Once I was 13, that dream was dead. I thought I would end up a disappointment to my family by going to community college in hopes to find a career path. I realized that my happiness came from seeing the ones I cared about happy. Family and friends, seeing them happy is where most of my happiness comes from. With this in mind, I might want to pursue a career in helping people mentally (psychologist/therapist/etc). I hate to see others in conditions such as mine or even worse. I would rather help others than myself; I’ve always had this mindset and I think I can incorporate it to a career. After finding a potential career, I felt motivation again. Hence, this blog being reopened. Positive outlooks and ideas for the future started to sprout in my head and was so excited that I wanted to tell you all. This might be the positive turn I needed for the new school year and upcoming future.
Goals for the 2018-2019 School Year:
So I believe I told my goals on this blog awhile back? If not, my goals for Sophmore year was to get good grades, be more social, and some other personal goals. I accomplished….. 0 of those. My grades ended up mediocre for my standards, I was social till depression, and failed all the other personal goals I had. This time, I hope it will be different. My goals for Junior year are:
- Maintain good grades (this is going to be even harder due to the fact I signed up for 2 AP classes and Spanish 3)
- Expand my “brand” (What I mean by this is making my name well-known. In school, I’ve never been the most popular person, but a few people knew me as the nerd/looks like a weeb that was “smart”. This year I don’t want to be popular per say, but be well known for something impactful if that makes any sense. Whether through clubs, interacting in classes, or even the blog, I want to be known as the person that can make people’s day better small or large.)
- Control my emotions (Eventually when I feel comfortable, I want to seek a therapist or doctor to resolve my depression and learn how to control my emotions and be a stable human being).
- Expanding Smash Brothers in the EV community and outside it (Sadly, Smash Union will not be a club for EV next year. Still salty about it cause we filled out all the requirements with a few hiccups in the application that weren’t major imo. Anyways, I have always dreamt of spreading Smash Bros within my community. I want to find ways to do this without a club, and with the release of Super Smash Brothers Ultimate in the winter, I want to show the community that Smash is something that can bring everyone together and have a good time, casually and competitively.)
- Bringing back the B L O G (My passion for the blog has come back. I want this to be a platform that can not only be entertaining to people in or out of my school, but can be a platform that can help others when they need it. I want this platform that can provide advice for anyone who needs it, and be comforting to them. I also want to associate my name with the blog. What I mean by that is being known as the guy that has blog that welcomes everyone and if they need help, they will get it. The blog is for me to express myself. I want to incorporate the people as well. I feel as if they matter more than me, so I want to prioritize them and help them.)
I Owe the People I Know an Apology:
Before I conclude this long as hell post, I’d like to apologize to the people that I have treated so poorly. During the last few months of school, I’ve treated a good amount of you guys poorly and acted like a total douchebag. Those times I ignored people while they were talking, giving people the cold shoulder, making people uncomfortable by being on the edge; from the bottom of my heart, I deeply apologize for all the wrong that I have done to you. I know you didn’t deserve it and you should never be treated like that by anyone. If you still hold a grudge on me for any of the wrong I have done to you, DM me on any platform and I hope to resolve it with you. You deserve to be respected and treated fairly. If you simply forgot I did anything hurtful to you, I still apologize for my behavior. It was all uncalled for. I hope to be a better human being going forth in the future. :]
What do I Expect from my Future and the Future of the Blog:
Things are still shitty I will admit. However, I hope with this newly found motivation, I can turn my life around for the better. I want to pick up where I left off from March, which is my life looking bright. I know that my dreams of recreating my life and accomplishing personal goals is gonna be extremely hard, I get that. That is why I will slowly try to work hard for it. Take baby steps instead of going into something head first, you know? I will slowly improve my well being and seek to find my true potential the new school year. For now, I need to catch up on AP Lit HW LMAOOOOOOO. Rip the rest of the summer for me. Stupid AP hw, idek why I signed up. Oh well, my fate is sealed. Mentality wise, recovering is going to be hard and quite slow for the time being. If I seem very off at the beginning of the year, just know I’m trying to recover from all this. Don’t be afraid to talk to me, I’ll try my best to not scare any of you off OOF. The future of the blog might be good. If I follow what I said, the blog has the potential to be awesome and a haven for people. Posts will be slow, because my life is boring and topics are hard to come by. Hopefully by the next school year, I’ll have frequent posts like I did a year ago. Drawing attention from people to read the blog is going to be difficult, but hopefully overtime I can get this blog to be seen as a place for everyone to be entertained and feel welcome. If you have any ideas on what I should post let me know. I’m down for anything as long as its appropriate and interesting to me. I hope to see you again in the next school year. And for the people out of the area, I’m glad you stopped by the blog! The blog is for everyone! :] Stay amazing everyone!!!!!!
(P.S: If any of you are worried about my well being, just contact me. If you are going through something as well, I’m here. I want everyone to happy. :])
(P.P.P.S: I just wanted to give thanks for everyone that supported me while I was down during the school year. I didn’t really appreciate you guys as much as I should of. Whether a friend or an acquaintance, I cherish your gratitude to make sure I was okay. I wish to pay you guys in some way or another, as you guys deserve it and much more. Thanks.)
whatcha looking at? oh if any of you get this reference, we’re automatically friends LOL.