Mentality (My Biggest Demon)

Hi people! Its been a couple days since my last blog post where I talked about Smash Bros. Um, honestly, I’ve been wanting to make this post for a couple days now, but I have been really lazy. During those times being lazy, I decided to at least make ideas on what I’m going to say in this post. Today, I will be talking about the biggest hurdle in my life (so far). That being mentality. “the characteristic attitude of mind or way of thinking of a person or group.”, mentality has always been a struggle for me since 2013 (aka 4ish or a little more years). In this post, I’m going to discuss my journey with this issue, how it impacted my life, and the lessons I learned from it.

Imagine a small ball, and overtime it grows when you don’t want it to. That’s how mentality has been for me ever since 2013. 2013 was around my 5th and 6th grade years of school. 5th grade was actually my first time trying to focus on my “studies” or whatever you consider studies in the 5th grade. Before I didn’t really try as I didn’t care too much about school. If you were a parent, you would probably be like “I ain’t gonna let my child be a dumba** when he/she grows up”. That was pretty much my mom. Like most parents, she would take away things like my games and whatnot if I wasn’t successful in school. Not wanting my stuff taken away from me, I had to go tryhard. It actually payed off in the end. I got a taste of what being a “A+ student” was for the first time. I felt a sense of accomplishment and my mom was super proud of me. I didn’t get any sort of bad grade the entire year, so I never experienced what “failure” was. The more I think about it, that was kind of a mistake to be trying hard that year. Next year was kind of mixed, I was either getting As or like Cs or Ds. The Cs and Ds mainly came from tests exclusively, barely anything else. Since at the time, we were forced to show our parents the papers that were graded, I got yelled at alot. My mom was pretty disappointed when I came back home with a low grade. It was my first time experiencing what failure was. I never liked being yelled at, and to this day, I still hate being yelled at by someone. My mom got furious, and I would think I have “failed” her and I was a worthless son. This is where my mindset on things started to get shaky. Eventually, my mom caught on with me being super sad and scared whenever I don’t meet up to her expectations. She decided to take it a bit easy on me, (ty mom btw), and she stook with that since.

After 6th, I was pretty much normal. I didn’t care if I failed, I just told myself oh well, there’s more options that can you do to redeem yourself. I wasn’t stressing on my grades too much, so my mentality in 7th wasn’t bad. However though, I was quite the “rager”. Aka, I got mad at almost everything that I what I thought was offensive to me or just in general. I don’t know why, but I got mad at everything except grades LOL. Looking back its pretty funny, because I was literally mad for no reason at times. Everything was just fun and games. Idk, for some reason I took things super seriously in moments where it I really shouldn’t. I assume it was just growing up, and it took me the entire year to realize I am an idiot. In general, 7th grade was pretty chill for me as a person, and was a good year overall.

Now we get onto 8th grade, aka 2015-2016, aka 2016, the worst year of my life (so far at least ;-;). This was the year my mentality became “unstable” to put it the least. To this day, it still kind of hurts to talk about 2016 and what happened that year. And the thing is, if you looked at my 2016 on paper, it wasn’t too bad. Just some unfortunate events here and there. Well, if you got the full context of my 2016, which I will only explain at least most of it and not all of it because I don’t really want to spill the full beans unless I know you at bare minimum 90% well, then you can understand how it was horrible towards my mental state. Most of my close friends (they know who they are), know the full story of what happened. So, to the new readers, here’s most of the story. Beginning of 8th grade wasn’t all too bad, it felt like 7th grade but I fixed most of my anger issues. It wasn’t until November, I decided to do what I think now was really fcking stupid. To cover up the “full details”, I decided to go for a “random goal” (yeah my friends know where this is heading). At first I didn’t think too much into it. I was like, “Eh, its whatever, might be possible idk”. Overtime, it took a tole on me. I started to feel like I can’t accomplish this goal of mine, and started to doubt myself. This is when the “ball” I mentioned early grew to its peak. 2016 starts as a 8th grader, and I begin spiraling into the void of “limbo”. Limbo is a place where, in my perspective, you have 0 faith in yourself as a person, ignore what good things you’ve done in your life, and focus on the bad and call yourself a failure 24/7. I begun to wake up in the morning super depressed, but I would try to hide it at school. I began to distance myself from social interaction with friends, I ate way less (AND I LOVE FOOD). I thought every quality about myself was poor, I had no motivation. My friends would worry about me, but I wouldn’t reply. Even the things that made me happy like playing games or whatever, I had no interest in doing them. Comes February-March of 2016 and all of a sudden my mentality kept changing. Some days I would be super depressed or I would actually be happy and have confidence. It was weird, fluctuating between those two types of mindsets. I didn’t understand how I was suppose to feel at this rate. I also had a long depression cycle during those months, and I didn’t say a word to anyone about my issue. I eventually made this journal, of what my issues were and this “goal” I was so fixated on. I would share it here, buuuutttttttt, it is WAY TOO PERSONAL, like REALLY PERSONAL. My closest friends haven’t even seen it. As of right now (1:36 pm 6/22), reading the journal I made hurts my soul. And I don’t visit it because I always get PTSD from 2016. Anyways, back on track. Middle of March-April, I started to feel a little more “myself”. I stuck with a mindset of “lets see what happens”. Failure did look scary to me still, but not as much. I had great friends that distracted me from all of the depression I had. In my opinion, if I had never went to my friends, I would either be still depressed or even dead. I have to thank them alot, especially dealing with me being “emo” and stuff. Those months were actually a reliever, I thought the mentality issues were gone.

May of 2016, is where everything went crashing down, turning into broken pieces of my hopes and dreams. The “goal” I set myself that year, I wasn’t able to accomplish it. I felt like a total loser. I tried my best to see if I can do it, and all of it went downhill. And that type of mindset carried on all the way from June-September of 2016. When I just wanted to be happy, my mentality pretty much said no. It was something I couldn’t control, and not having control made it 10x worse. That summer was just pure sadness that I don’t want to go back to again.  2016-2017 was 9th grade. First half, I still was a bit shaky from the summer and 8th grade so I was kind of sad during the first few months. The middle portion of the year, I felt normal, just focusing on not failing at school. The ending portion was mixed. Some days were good, some days were…yeah you get the point. And now, I am here writing this.

My mentality nowadays, is going I think pretty well. I know I still have a lot of things to improve on, but I have a general idea on what my mindset should be. If failure happens, oh well thats life. Some great things are there in life, it just takes time and patience. If I ever got “tilted”, I would just think that things are going to be fine. Failures happen for a reason and better and amazing things are out there for everyone. As for your inner demons, you can’t 100% conquer and beat them to the point where they never come back. They will always be there. Its just how you handle them later in life that makes you “beat them”, not letting them stop you from being happy and, who you are. :]

Thank you for reading ! :]. It was difficult to write all of this because I don’t like looking back at these types of things, but hey. It might’ve been long for you to read, and you probably skipped most of it LOL. I just think there is some things that you can either relate to, or even learn idk. So, I guess that sums up about everything I wanted to say. Oh, I actually think I have a schedule in mind for this blog. I want to post at least 2 times a week, so expect a post every Tuesday and Thursday. I also need ideas for future posts please!!!!! So lmk what you want me to talk about. I also have “music of the week”. I think for mobile, MotW shows up at the very bottom of the website. So check there if you want to know my music taste and make fun of it. If you want to recommend music to me as well, that’s appreciated as well! I’m willing to listen to most music. Now I think I have everything I wanted to cover. Thanks for stopping by! :]

-Geri

Future topics:

-Get to know more about me

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